Mom & Me Three Archive

    This is excerpted out of an email I sent to MFASF (see Legend of Journal Abbreviations) telling him of our trip. It includes all the high points, more detail, etc. I've edited it and amended other material. I've called him my muse in regards to this journey I'm taking with my mother and he is, as well as a treasured Long Time Friend (as he also appears in the aforementioned Legend). I am ever grateful that he easily takes my plundering of my emails to him. Here is the excerpt:

...this doctor's appointment was extremely productive, medically and spiritually. I was finally told how my mother would die. As the FNP explained what to expect she described my mother's current behavior perfectly and, with perfect wisdom, my own reactions and thoughts as a caregiver at this stage of my mother's life. She even volunteered that all the 'tricks' doctors have applied to me in order to up the ante treatment-wise were 'typical', the doctors' way of avoiding the inevitable and making sure that my mother provided them with as much of a revenue stream as they could squeeze out of her. From what she told me I an confident I've performed well in that arena, even without having the benefit of knowing I was in an arena.
    She also approached what she had to tell me from the perspective of a caregiver. She took care of her mother as she declined and finally died from exactly the conditions that are ushering my mother to her death: Anemia Due to Chronic Disease ["So we'll stop this nonsense of looking for internal bleeding," she said as I sobbed anew and felt the urge to grovel and kiss her feet.] and Chronic Renal Failure (although my mother remains on the high end of this). My mother remains without heart disease although her CRF may cause her to exhibit symptoms of CHF. She is particularly vulnerable at these times, so these conditions should be treated. Mom "will", the FNP explained, "take more naps, because she'll be more tired." We will control her anemia with occasional transfusions, if necessary, and take a no treatment stance on her blood sugar because, her diabetes will, as her ACD and CRF advance, "go on a holiday", which, according to the FNP's interpretation of my mother's stat history, is beginning to happen. In essence, Mom will comfortably fade away. Keeping her up as much as possible and applying "tasks" (the trip to Mesa-in-a-day was, for instance, a "task" for my mother) for interest is fine, but I am to do both with obeisance to my mother's schedule. When she saw the times associated with Mom's awakenings, around noon, and I told her she sleeps anywhere from 12-14 hours, sometimes stays up late, sometimes not, she nodded and said, "Yeah, my Mom did that, too. And taking more naps. Shorter but more." So far, Mom is a one nap a day person but that one nap often easily qualifies her for 14+ hours of sleep in a day. At one point the FNP suggested I "back off" taking stats because for the most part I and my mother's medical providers will be taking a no treatment approach except for things like urinary tract infections, transfusions when necessary and procedures to alleviate temporary, critical but not fatal discomfort. She'll be closely monitored through the lab up here: four tests, I think, if I remember correctly, a month, now.
    We now have a standing (one year at a time) prescription for Levaquin for UTI's. She explained that although the catheterizations didn't help, age shortens the urethra and widens the neck of the bladder, a body's "flora and fauna" are no longer of a reliable mix to boost the immune system and, yes, maybe the magnetic properties of the iron laden shit are problematic but she's simply prone to UTI's now.
    I burst into tears, out of joy, out of grief, but mainly out of relief. Someone finally explained the terrain, not only acknowledged but confirmed my observations, I know where we are again in this journey, which I hadn't known for awhile, and have even taken some steps to move us more comfortably along.
    Our appointment began at 1500. We were having Mom's stats taken in her assigned medical cubicle by 1502 even though the office was busy, but everyone had appointments. We left at about 1720, when the only staff left (closing is 1600) was the FNP and someone at the front desk. She mentioned once, when I gushed my gratitude for the time she was taking with us (and, still, we forgot to get the flu shot) that knowing where "we came from" she wanted to make sure the visit was productive. Can you believe it?!? I wanted to sacrifice a lamb to this woman!
    I'm just now beginning to get my bearings. This feels good. To know. To be able to anticipate. To have some labels that are really definitions that predict certain behaviors at certain times. I can't tell you how relieved I am. For about a year I've been thinking, "Oh my god, it's me, it's me...I'm being too easy on her...I'm responsible for getting her moving, etcetera..." and, I am, up to a point. I have been following her lead, with restrictions and occasional frustrated routings, but, as the FNP noted, my mother's will is strong and will remain strong so I can depend on her to lead me.
    She never said, specifically, "relax". She included multiple cautions to be ever vigilant to detect "falling situations" ahead of time, absolutely go for treatments that promise strength and do no damage and wouldn't be considered "torture", continue to fight off doctors who want to 'poke the living daylights' [one of my mother's contributions to the conversation] out of her "in the name of science" (I can't believe the FNP said this...I've suspected this for some time, that my mother's generation is the guinea pig for our generation, medically).
    So I remain ever vigilant but in a beta state, I think that's the one, isn't it, relaxed alertness, a sort of advanced meditative brain wave pattern, The Zone. It's like I've been going around asking, "So, is this Ancient Age?" and finally, someone said, "Oh, yeah, this is Ancient Age. Let me take you on a tour..."
    One of the amazing internal developments is that my sense of tenderness toward my mother has grown by leaps and bounds. This particular development continues to bring me to my knees, emotionally.

    I will most likely have one more major post to make regarding The Trip over in the Essaying section...
    ...later.