Mom & Me Three Archive

...while I'm entranced with rereading my writing about Mom & Me, I'm keeping up with stats at Mom's Daily Tests and Meds and including small daily tidbits about how Mom is doing, in case you're interested.
    If anything spectacular and unusual happens, though, I will report it here.
    Keep the faith.
    Later.

...reading my own material. I had planned to stop for awhile after I finished cataloguing the histories for the planned Table of Contents. Then I thought, what would be the harm if I did a few Mom & Me Too archives. The harm is that I am riveted, now, and can't seem to stop. This would have had to have been done, anyway, at some time. I'd planned to wait until the TOC was set up and I could simply feed material into it at my leisure. Now I can't stop following how our adventure has developed. Once again, I'm overwhelmed by the initial impetus. It will, I'm sure, settle down soon.
    As I continue I'm making notes about what's different now than then. I'll be reporting on these. I was planning to do this as I went but I can't wait to get back and see what happened next...here I go...
    ...later. I promise.
    Oh. I'm setting the past archives up to receive comments again. This has to be done by reactivating comments on each posting...which gives me a devlish excuse to read each word...oh...oh...it's sucking me in again...
    ...later.

...you begin anthropomorphizing your mother's turds. Yesterday evening she had her second bowel movement of the day, clearly a "head 'em up, move 'em out" movement. When I checked the toilet for results I spontaneously mentioned, "That's the little guy I was looking for! Hi, little guy! Good to see you. Time to go, now," and I flushed the toilet.
    Immediately afterward my mother and I exchanged surprised looks. I knew what she was thinking. "Yeah, I guess I'm personalizing your bowel products a little too much, huh."
    "Well," she responded, "I was wondering how you knew that one was a 'he'."
    I laughed. "Considering the nature of the product, I think they're all 'he's'."
    She laughed. "You're probably right!"

    So, I'm close to finishing with the initial preparation for setting up a database to allow the dynamic Table of Contents I intend to create for this web compendium. It's been startling to go back and read all the stuff I've written over the past several years in order to prepare it for incorporation.
    Yesterday I read through the section in the 2001 history where one of my sisters and I were trying to rally all my sisters on behalf of taking care of my mother, delegating duties, especially, I kept reminding everyone, the business duties which were overwhelming me at the time, as well as seeing to it that I received breaks. Fairly poignant material considering that for all the discussion and initial organizing nothing came of it.
    The truth is I'm now pleased that the effort didn't succeed and that I became my mother's sole business/medical advocate and caregiver. I think the simplification of her business life wouldn't have taken place if these duties had been scattered around the way we planned. I now notice that I had already become unusually expert at knowing the extent of the detail involved in her business life and being able to manipulate it, even as I fought having to do it. If everything had been scattered about as we'd planned any efforts to consolidate and simplify everything would probably have sunk like a stone. The calculated, necessary risks I took which ultimately saved our conjoined ass would not have been taken. It's possible that we'd still be struggling with that damned mobile home in Mesa, being directed by someone else to fix it up and try to get a good price for it.
    I still have periods of yearning for breaks, of course. I've figured out, though, how to take adequate breaks while remaining here. Whether this is "good" for my mother has become a moot point. She still would be beyond long distance travel now. I think, overall, the caregiving situation as it developed and as it is works best. She thrives, I think, being able to remain in familiar surroundings with familiar routines, being the focus of attention.
    I'm not doing nearly as badly as I thought I would. I didn't lose my mind. I didn't lose my heart. Keeping her here, I've been able to micro-manage her medical intervention so that it is kept to a minimum. I know, in detail, what I'm talking about and advocating and medical professionals now step back and bow when we enter an examining room. This is all to the good and probably wouldn't have happened as easily (perhaps wouldn't have happened at all), nor with as much chutzpah if the variety implied by shuffling her around the country in order to relieve me had been added to her medical life.
    Rereading all that stuff also secured my opinion that caregivers operate best when they operate from their own dictates. Despite the buzz in "The Literature" that certain "directives" should be followed for best results, chiefly The Support Group Directive but this applies to others as well, tailoring caregiving to one's native character and style actually works better. My native character implies that I will seek and find support in ways other than through a formal support group. It implies that handling my difficulties within the caregiving setting works better for me than walking away from the setting and relieving myself of the difficulties for short periods of time. It implies that it is better for me to stop pleading and waiting for intervention and figure out how to do "it" myself. As I read I observed my baptism by fire and am pleased that my attitude is now firm on this: If you (universal) want to help, you have to fit into our lives. You can't expect us to fit into your lives just so helping is convenient for you. A parent does not expect a babysitter to dictate conditions under which alternate care for a child will take place. The parent expects the babysitter to follow the dictates and routines which the parent has instituted and with which the child is familiar. Why should caregiving be any different? In fact, it seems to me that there is even more reason for the caregiving situation to remain as much the same as possible through time for Ancient Ones as, while children become more flexible with time, more able to incorporate different situations and routines, my experience tells me the opposite is true of the aging process for Ancient Ones.
    As Robin Williams gleefully posed during his Inside the Actor's Studio interview: "We're doing it! We're prepared! We're going upstream to spawn!"
    As a caregiver, I'm on my way upstream. If you (universal) want to join me you're going to have to turn around and match my speed.

    Last night as I was plowing through yet another box looking for my second grade school picture I ran across the witnessed form from ScienceCare Anatomical, the organization through which my mother has decided to donate her body to science. We finalized the form 9/8/04 but I not only forgot to send it in, I thought I had. It will, of course, be put in the mail this week.
    As I was reviewing the form and filling in the particulars for the death certificate I realized that not having sent it was a stroke of Providence. Had I sent it immediately after witnessing last year, her registration would have circularily gone through three revisions, ultimately settling back where we started with the PCP who originally witnessed the form. Thank the gods for my memory lapse.
    As I finished the death certificate information section, with each completed blank I thought Yes, this will be her final doctor, her final home, her final wishes for the final disposition of her body... I experienced a peculiar sense of settlement and satisfaction as I realized that, from now on, very few of the circumstances surrounding of my mother's life will change.

• This fall we'll be updating her Powers of Attorney, Revocable Trust, Will and Living Will and aligning business documents to coincide with this update. Since her circumstances are unlikely to change this will probably be the last alteration and update, regardless of how many more years she puts in here.
• Although some of the interior of my mother's and my home may be remodeled, minor repairs may be needed and my hopes are that the land will undergo some changes, as my mother's life continues the alterations will be minor. Our home is essentially in its final state.
• There will be no changes in her business life as far as I can see: There is no reason not to remain with her present CPA, stock broker and financial advisor. The state of her much simplified portfolio will probably need no further changes except some minor twiddlings with holdings here and there.
• While we've agreed that we need to take stock of our "movable" possessions and thin them out, very little will change in this respect as well.
• I believe my mother's relationships with her family and friends are settled, as much as they can be. She is satisfied with them. Relatives and friends seem to be satisfied with them. While a few may precede her in death and a few may be added, for the most part her relational life will remain the same from now until her death.

    All this finalization makes circumstances as her Final Caregiver much easier to negotiate, not to mention much easier on my nerves. My mother's spirit remains the spirit of an adventurer and I'm sure she will continue to propose moving here and there, getting rid of this property, securing others, but I am also sure, since I am in charge of her life now and simplification much enhances my ability to manage and handle her life, besides which she is much slowed from previous years, these adventures will manifest as mutually entertaining flights of fancy.
    The final tally tells me that Mom is satisfied, I'm satisfied and our conjoined life from here on out, while still subject to occasional Continuing Education pop quizzes, most of which will require more negotiation from me than my mother, will remain securely in The Realm of the Settled. It is with great relief that I feel I can now pronounce us settlers.
    Finally.