Mom & Me Three Archive

    Over the last several days, weeks, even, besides income tax I've been paying attention to some other projects: Getting things to-geth-ah. Had a begun-early, mellow, productive morning today and am hoping for a late arising from Mom. She was up until midnight last night watching a M*A*S*H marathon.
    Tonight is definitely going to be Cobb salad night. She'll probably want a hearty breakfast this morning, maybe even two eggs. Although last night's meal was rich, it was nutrition poor.
    As a reminder to myself, we've picked up a few other movies that I need to enter in the companion movie section of this journal. One in particular, What the Bleep?, I'll probably be discussing someplace else, as well. If I think of it I'll mention it after the fact.
    It promises to be sunny, windy, a little cold. We could probably use a visit to Costco but I could put it off one day and I might. The wind should die down by tomorrow. This wind is unusual for this area, although short term residents are beginning to talk as though it's normal.
    I need to feed the one remaining rose today.
    Maybe I'll do some reading! Wow! Then again...
    ...later.

...a change in organization of my many journalized recordings of my adventure with my mother. I've decided, since I am no longer taking stats in military style, that I will begin writing about our meals in a more leisurely manner over at the Caring. About Food. section of this journal, which you can reach through a link somewhere over there in the links section to the right.
    As well, at the Tests & Meds section, I'll only mention meds when they change in some way. Bowel movements will still be covered there.
    I did, by the way, take stats today. Those are entered, as usual, at the immediately above linked site.
    Later.

...I ran into a treasured acquaintance with whom I am slowly developing an interesting friendship. He was in the middle of work, I was in the middle of choring, so we didn't have much time to talk. As usual, when he asked how I was doing, I choose truth over polite chatter, shook my head, shrugged my shoulders and said something along the lines of, "Not one of my better days; it's good to be out, though," communicating, non-verbally, that it was also good to be greeted by his dynamism and cheer.
    He immediately took on an expression of concern and related the following to me:

    He cautioned that I need to "be careful". Some years ago his brother and sister-in-law took care of his mother, apparently a difficult woman with whom relationships were often testy if not downright explosive. His sister-in-law found the situation especially stressful (no doubt because she gave most of the care). Soon after his mother died so did the sister-in-law. He mentioned that his sister-in-law had "other health problems, of course", but the consensus was that immediately after his mother's death his sister-in-law collapsed and died of the stress involved in caring for his and his brother's mother. He warned me that this phenomenon is not uncommon for caregivers.
    I assured him that although caregiving for my mother is sometimes stressful and anxiety ridden, my mother, herself, is not the cause of my stress; her disposition is, in fact, never a part of the problems I face and sometimes a part of solutions. I added that I understand how caregiving can drain one so much that what happened in his sister-in-law's case is probably something to keep in mind and thanked him for his concern.

    This morning I was reminded of this conversation when I scanned the current issue of the weekly newsletter emailed from Caregiver.com. It contained part of an article reviewing a study done of caregivers to parents suffering from dementia. According to the results of this study these caregivers fare far better (including emotionally and financially) once their caregiving stint is over "than non-caregivers". Although the article is specific about the identities of the caregivers (daughters of parents with dementia who are the care recipients) and is targeted toward "professionals" who are involved in the counseling of these particular caregivers, it is not specific about the comparison group of non-caregivers so it's hard to say whether these non-caregivers are siblings, an unrelated control group, or whom. However, the article was specific that some of the reasons for these caregivers flourishing after their care recipients' deaths has to do with a sense of relief upon the death of the care recipient (which my mother experienced after my father died and I understand is common in the case of spouses who've been intense caregivers to their spouses); the peculiar skills introduced to and honed by caregivers while involved in caring for recipients, all of which are unusual and particularly useful skills in life maintenance; and a sudden lack of drain on financial resources, which is typical when one is caregiving for a demented relative.
    If you are a regular reader you know that I have periods of high confidence in the abilities I've developed while caring for my mother and their usefulness to me after her death which fluctuate with periods when I anxiously expect to be so exhausted when my mother dies that I will have no interest in continuing my life. I am sure this fluctuation is not unusual in the life of caregivers engaged as am I. I am also sure that it is rarely necessary for those who know me to worry about my lows despite the fact that we live in a culture that would like very much for everyone to never experience periods of discouragement and depression and would like to counsel and medicate all such periods out of existence. This article is, of course, geared toward this view. The importance of this article, though, is not in the advice to the "professionals" who look after caregivers who've sought their counseling. Its importance is, rather in it's unspoken affirmations:

1. Finally, society is beginning to notice and study those of us who devote ourselves to intense caregiving of Ancient Ones for a period (often a long period) of time, and
2. noticing that unexpected and life-affirming benefits accrue to those of us who devote ourselves to loved ones as intense caregivers.

    My reaction? Hallelujah! You (universal) can ignore us, wonder about our sanity in taking on such a role, worry about us, make our task even more difficult than it already is by trying to bully us into a thinking we are nothing more than glorified parents and/or into believing that we must be doing all kinds of things wrong when we devote ourselves to caregiving with a focus and intensity that scares the bejesus out of you and which you would never be "foolish" enough to pursue. You can guiltily tell us that we are headed for heaven because of our good deeds as you ignore that a good deed from you would help alleviate our difficulties. You can consign us to the least rewarded societal casts. You can pray and manipulate to make sure that you are never in line to be called upon to take on such a task. Yet, and yet, we not only survive, when it is all over and done, we thrive. Amazing. In this society that so devalues caregiving that we insist not only on not rewarding it except in silly, stupid ways and work hard to punish those who 'avocationally' give care to those in our families who need it, this is an important lesson, one that is worded, in the above mentioned article, precisely to be understood by those who think that the worst that can happen to them is to step up to the plate and reformat their lives when someone they love needs intense care. As it turns out, I am not crazy to think this is the best decision I ever made. There is, now, a growing body of research that proves that I may be right.

    Related:  When MPS and her daughter were here almost two weeks ago for a surprise visit she and I talked about caregiving from her point of view as a mother and mine as a daughter caring for our mother. Turns out that she, some time ago, came to exactly the conclusion I have: When she cares for those she loves she is convinced that she is caring for herself in one of the most important ways she can. Her husband, she says, often tells her that it is her caregiving that gets in the way of "her life", which is to say, the part of her life that he feels belongs to him. "That isn't the problem," she says, "it's all the other stuff; my job, command performance vacations...my family does not create nearly the stress the outside stuff does."
[This post originally begun 3/24/05 @ 1618. Continued and ended on the date posted below.]

    Can't remember, now, why I didn't get around to publishing that above. Oh well. Here it is. The article mentioned above remains important.
    I want to pause this morning and mention something to which I'll be addressing myself more fully in the days to come. I'm becoming exhilarated about approaching the business/legal end of what I am doing, in foremost to assure that my initial days after my mother's death are secure. As a sub-routine, too, I am going to address our voluminously out of control paperwork situation. Thank god we've got a shredder. Which is about 6 years old and has never been used.
    The weather has been deceptively sunny through our front windows but cold. Mom has, literally, stuck her nose out a couple of times over the last few days and quickly retreated. She's been sleeping a fair amount but had a long night, last night. Didn't go to bed until I did, around 0100 this morning. She wasn't agitated, just, well, awake, enjoying a raft of shows on TV about earthquakes and volcanic eruptions that cause tsunami.
    One of my projects today is to feed the rose that revived. Maybe, if the wind dies down, I'll move some border bricks. Begin a cursory sort of boxed papers (including old, opened, dispatched mail) that are in no particular order. I'm excited about this. I'm a closet nerd, among other things. Mom likes to sort paperwork, too. It's sort of like Christmas. I don't think we'll make it to the lab until tomorrow, although I may be wrong.
    Ah. The temperature is supposed to be 56 in downtown Prescott. Probably around 50 up here. Light winds. Lots of sunshine.
    Wanted to mention, I've placed a targeted link to the list of abbreviations I use in here and their definitions. You'll notice it over to the right in the first section of links. And, no stats and no Bowel Movements since my last statting, although I expect one, probably ample, today. I'll restart stats at that point. No changes to medication schedule.
    I'll check in again...
    ...later.

    She awakened, breakfasted, read and bathroomed in before noon,today and, along with recovering from the very short, very light visit, yesterday, her body is still registering the effects of the low still brushing our area on its way out. She struggled, of her own accord, to remember that we had visitors yesterday, although she continually called their visit for "this morning", as though she'd arisen from an afternoon nap and recalled them visiting previous to this, as they did. She finally gave up and asked, "You'll remember, won't you?" That's now a rhetorical question.
    I should mention: During the time I laid scant tracks in this journal she has needed a fair number, three I think, of reviews on who's dead and who's not and when, etc. Because I've been doing a lot of paper work lately and continue to do more she's been asking about it and saying things like, "Well, you'd better notify mother about those, she'll want to take care of that." Finally after three or four of these reminders I responded, "You're the mother now, Mom. And, you know. And I'm taking care of it." For some reason, that particular response worked for her and she remembers it and that those dead are dead and she is the matriarch, as it were.
    And I am her faithful dog.
    Once she realized last weekend was Easter weekend she attempted to catch as many Bible movies as possible, primarily the mid-twentieth century epics. There were plenty. The only one I remember glimpsing was The Greatest Story Ever Told. I made a point of trying to view at least some of it because I'd never viewed it. I was surprised when, early in the movie, "Jesus" spouts one of "Paul's" letters. Weird. So, from that point on I kept an ear to it, but don't remember anything else jarring.
    Since I reported the only "stat" message I had here I'll run a link from there to here then continue on. I've taken no stats to speak of since last stat reporting. Mom is none the worse for the lack of wear. I was going to take her into the lab this morning for a "monthly" (it's been two months) blood draw, but decided to wait. There was something about the way she arose that told me she needed to awaken slowly this morning without being stabbed.
    I've got a guy coming out sometime next week to assay the carport ceiling (and roof, I'm sure) situation, explain to me what he thinks is happening, what now needs to happen and how much he would charge to do it. I'm going to ask him if he's also interested in crawling up on the roof of the main house and surveying for possible repairs. I don't think we have any leaks but I noticed bits of tar shingle on the ground after a couple of storms, particularly where the pyracantha are grown over the eaves.
    Other than that things are going well. I'm feeling better, not completely unstressed...I can see, now, that it is critical that I address the paperwork situation around her and start looking for an estate lawyer around here who can deliver what we need and only what 23 need. But, I think I'll not have a problem with that, although I am planning on a slow address.
    Later.

...through my Tests & Meds identity, even though I want to make a post before I forget it. So, I'll post a reminder here: Bowel Movement happened, hmmm, today's the 28th, isn't it, of March, that is, somewhere early 21st century, stardate...oops, wrong show. Okay, it was Saturday; very small volume, one short fat turd eliminated so easily during bathing she thought she'd only farted (although she would never call farting "farting"). That was probably about 1030 the morning of the 26th.
    I've been away for a bit, I think. I actually came in here, let's see...on the 24th and started a post, got a little carried away and something interrupted before I finished. Finished going through all boxes (including in the shed) on Friday, the 25th, in the early morning and got all our tax proofs off to Mom's CPA in Phoenix a week earlier than last year.
    My anxiety over filing taxes this year has been a result of me having to, yet again this year, pay estimated taxes late, although all money's due were remitted before the end of the estimated tax filing year, which ends January 15 or thereabouts (depending on where weekends fall) of the year following the year on which you are estimated payments. I noticed when we were late on a couple of payments the year before nothing was "said", so to (not) speak, by the Feds. The state had already consigned estimated payments to "voluntary" status. This year, I noticed, the forms for estimated payments to the Feds are clearly marked ES/V which seems to indicate to me that the Feds have been unofficially lenient with us beleaguered median income tax payers and is now officializing their lenience. Hallelujah, if I'm right.
    Anyway, with the mobile home in Mesa gone I see no problem in years upcoming regarding making estimated payments on time. I've actually been surprised, over the years I've been with my mother, that she has never been audited, but she and I have been and are meticulous to a fault about documenting tax records and returns. I have a "gift" for math and have been good at manipulating finances throughout the year, up to a few years ago, so that I knew when we could skip estimated payments without fear of penalty, as, for a few years after the stock market crash our income went steadily down. When it leveled off, though, we still had that fucking mobile home in Mesa. I've been surprised how much monthly income it was draining even when we didn't live in it. I was figuring $500/month. It works out to more like $600/month. Amazing.
    As far as taxes are concerned, we sold the property at a loss. It is, though, unfortunately, not considered real estate by Arizona as we didn't own the land, and, as well, it was represented as our secondary home so we could deduct the taxes on this property from our final income tax liability. So, we may be fucked there, but the "sold at a loss" part might be in our favor. I don't know.
    I'm feeling even more mellow than I thought I would since the tax documenting process is done. I'm still pissed at my acquaintance who faulted on me at the beginning of March, but I managed.
    I've been tardy reporting here. Either I haven't found the time or decided to spend that time doing something else. Saturday, all day, a 12 hour day for me and 10 hours for Mr. Everything, our yard was revealed beneath the overgrowth and yard trash. Discovered that our water table is about 1.5 feet below ground. Shit! Every square inch of our small, startling piece of land is lush, either in growth or soil. My compost pile has gone insane. Some of the dead trees I'd figured I'd eventually need to eliminate are officially "dead down", so they can be cleared and harvested for our fireplace. I can see how to open up our feral (it cannot be said, anymore to be truly wild) section to access through minimal, critical grooming and have begun some. Most of our elm overgrowth is gone. Yard trash almost completely gone, including metals, blocks of concrete [what was the former owner thinking!?!]. Bizarre, random poles, concreted into the ground half removed. Trees almost completely trimmed. A kindling pile established. A tall tool shed established. Plenty of downed elm saplings for a home made bench. Plenty of brick for a low outdoor grill, although we may establish that in front. Rotting timbers gone. Construction trash gone. Massive collection of exploded cardboard boxes gone. Old fans gone. Word spread about soft water system for sale. Cheap. Word out about refrigerator, repairable, for free. I'm banking that those items will disappear soon. Commitment for estimate on carport ceiling work.
    I'm beginning to feel the lure of spring. I didn't think I'd been all that cold this winter but apparently I needed to thaw a bit, too, the upper crust, anyway.
    For some reason I am personally stunned by the continued Matriarchal Turbulence along the fault off Sumatra and the possibility of it continuing. 50% chance of another tsunami. I witnessed a minor tsunami from FAA cliff, above FAA beach, intentionally, one afternoon. FAA beach was actually a small cove carved out of lava. Water level usually produced several pools, some very deep and tunneled so you could immerse yourself, if you were willing to risk the possibility of an undertow from the tunnel. I remember waiting with two others, one of who I remember, the other may have been Junior...I'm hazy on that. Anyway, as we balanced ourselves on the highest lava ledge we watched the ocean (which is only partially protected by a very close, broken reef) demarcating a sudden continental drift, the ocean recede and drop maybe a couple of feet down the part of the drift that was visible. We were stunned, then energized by fear and we scrambled up the cliff. Funny thing about living on Guam, which perches on the edge of the Marianas Trench. Us locals never worried much about The Big One because everyone figured, on that small an island with one elevated "mountain" at 1325 feet, instant, unavoidable death for everyone would be the result. Locals live with the reality of periodic razing by a typhoon. Factoring for periodic devastation is automatic.
    Anyway, I'm wandering. It's good to be back. I'm calm. And well and shortly visited. I'll probably be reporting in more frequently from now on.
    Oh yeah. Mom is good. In excellent humor today, although our company performed a short, intense visit so Mom's nap has convinced her that they were here yesterday. Good appetite. Moving around even a little more, although having problems with allergies. Everyone is, including the cat. Except, thank the gods, me. I remain energetic and increasingly excited.
    More...
    ...later.