Mom & Me Three Archive

...let me close some of the windows and doors. Stay where you are, I'll be right back...
    Well, let's see, that was 20 minutes ago. Mom is up, eating lunch, watching the news (she's very good about watching the news although not good at remembering it; she has, though, the capacity to get caught up in it), the miscellaneous windows and doors closed, etc.
    Earlier today I brought home a sample of piping hot, splendidly, richly flavored liquid "sipping" chocolate from Starbucks for her. It was, I couldn't believe it, "too sweet" for her! I almost fell prostrate at her feet.
    I think tonight might be Bible Movie night. I picked up the Paul episode of the current bible hero movies. The only interesting one, so far, although a little hard to believe character-wise, is Luther. I know this will put her in the mood, I can feel it, so we'll probably chase it with another Bible or Religious or Spiritual movie. Hmmm, I wouldn't mind seeing Little Buddha again, tonight. I'm in that kind of a mood.
    Later.

...meticulously, thoughtlessly organized. Closing out one chore as I begin or proceed with another. Those of you who know me well know that this is a scary development.
    It's wonderful, this new feeling of peace with my mother's and my situation. Even as I anticipate her death she is becoming healthier. It is magnificent. I feel like we've begun to cruise.
    Well, Movies, Mom and Me has been launched. You'll notice that I need to rethink the yellow on red. I want to keep the red background...gray might be a better color. Whew, it's hard to look at. Or, maybe I can find a mustard yellow that doesn't throw daggers. There are a few other glitches I need to iron out, too. I'll take care of those...later.
    Today's been a very mellow. I expect more of the same this weekend. I'm doubling up on Mom's antibiotics over the last days of this course. Already her urine is clear. We are both suffering either "a little bit of a cold" or an allergic reaction to something in the air. Already, not two months into winter, some of the deciduous trees are budding. Some people have managed to produce roses through this entire winter (the ambitious one's who cover them at night). I'm wondering if this might be a good time to claw weed killer into the 'domesticated' part of our property.
    I'm drowsy.
    Later.

    That doesn't include the amount of material in collections, of which we have more than a few. I just finished rudimentarily cataloguing them; very simple data base including the urls for sites pertaining to each particular piece. That was fun. I'll write about it over at the new movie data base site when I launch it.
    Something I wanted to mention about which I was thinking this afternoon: That fantasy I mentioned, the strong one, almost erotic, about my mother's final moments and my involvement in them? Well, I should mention that I am quite sure this is not her death fantasy at all, if she yet even has one [I'm not sure whether she continues to believe she's immortal.]. I think her fantasy is to go unawares, in her sleep, preferably, alone, sort of waking up on the other side as if you were flushed into it from a womb, looking around, getting her bearings, maybe looking back, maybe not, but certainly no fuss and no deathbed scenes. I guarantee, she'd consider my fantasy much too sloppy. You can cry if you want, I'm sure she feels, but wait till she leaves.

...over at Mom's Daily Tests and Meds and a new recipe on the new recipe site in case you want to check them out.
    I did get the website for our DVD catalog started but I'm still testing it and devising a way to input all the data. Once our initial collection is in and cross referenced to mentions of the movies in this journal, which may take awhile, it will be updated pretty slowly but it will be dynamic.
    I'm surprising myself with some of the recollections I have about Mom's reactions and mine to the movies and shows we have. It's amazing how many we've collected since we bought the DVD player three years ago. And, there are still many programs and a few movies I taped that we watched, although I'm "replacing" VHS taped stuff with DVDs as I can. I wish Bravo would publish and sell DVD versions of the Inside the Actors Studio episodes. I have several on tape. I know I'd purchase some of those seasons.
    It's amazing for me to contemplate dvds that Mom's seen versus those she hasn't (I, of course, have seen, at one time or another, all of everything). Remembering some of her reactions to some of the movies is surprising me. The more I get into this project, the more I am thinking of DVD video movies and programs as our literature. It's very interesting. I've decided to keep a running list on the new site, too, of movies and/or shows we don't have but are considering buying or hoping come out at some time.
    Did I mention that I'm worried about the continued cloudiness of her urine and that I'm going to double up on her antibiotics for these last three days of treatment, since we have the extra four? Give it a double shot and see what happens. I think I mentioned this over at the Tests & Meds section.
    I thought I might be making it a late night but now I'm thinking about turning in early.
    Later.
    Not sure when.

...or, better yet, I'll set it up as a blog. With an growing alphabetical index.
    Good idea. I'll link to it when I've got it set up. You can watch it grow and see what we like, and dare, to watch.

...at 0515 (I know, bizarre, and wonderful, again) was that today would be an early shopping day. I want to replace The Little Girl's litterbox. It's about time. When it gets to the place where I can't get the smell of cat urine completely out of the plastic it's time to get a new box. Works out to about every 3 years. So, you know, I remembered that Target opens at 0800 and we could use a new humidifier filter which I can get there and they have such deals on Arm & Hammer cat litter...I'd certianly be able to shower and be ready to leave here at 0845...
    Yeah. Right.
    I'm not at all disappointed, though, at how the morning has played out. First I began hearing reconnaissance coughing at around 0700 when I'd planned to take a shower and decided to see if it came to anything. It is 0956 now so I guess not, although she's been reconnaissance coughing all morning. Once again, I got a wild hair and decided to clean out the silverware drawers and their inserts. I started the "oh, it's in there" drawer but backed off when I realized it contains so much stuff some of it has been pushed over the back of the drawer and into the canned food cabinet below.
    I also awoke with another possible task for today: If I want to fool around a little and give myself some thinking room, maybe I'll set up a catalog of all the DVDs we own, whether Mom's seen them (I, of course, have seen them all), if so, what my memory is of her reaction, etc. I seem to be looking forward to Discovering Yet Another Aspect of My Mother which this exercise in discipline should catalyze.
    I'll probably set up a separate section within which to do this and link it after I've set it up so you can view its growth. It'll be a simple, straightforward table of info boxes and links to movie sites of all types. People who know my mother (or feel like they know her) might find our growing catalog interesting.
    Yes. I think that's what I'll do, today. I think I'll start now.
    Later.

...I guess.
    So, the violent verdict is, no night light. I rearranged and cleaned my mother's room yesterday so that I could install a night light. I'd mentioned it off and on throughout the last year. Sounded like a good idea to both of us even though neither of us are night light people. I don't know. One of those old people things.
    This morning I noticed it was on the floor about two feet from the socket. "Yes," my mother explained after I woke her, "I had to get up in the middle of the night and rip it out of the socket. I couldn't sleep with that thing!" I know she did sleep with it on for some hours since I refilled her humidifier just before I went to be sometime before midnight but after 2300, as I recall, and the light was still on. Obviously the trouble the light causes my mother is not worth it since it gives her no added sense of security; which is to say, she feels secure enough to traipse across a very dark room in the middle of the night to rip a night light out of the wall.
    When I was shopping today, because even I thought the light was a little too bright, I looked for softer colored bulbs and found a pink one. It doesn't glow pink, it glows a startling salmon. Mom nixed that bulb this evening. We also tried a glow-in-the-dark blue disc. "It's pretty," she pronounced, "but I can't see as that does much of anything. I don't need a night light," she insisted. "You don't use a night light!"
    True, I don't. In fact, I used to have one of those blue discs on the wall behind me and the faint reflected light against my window pane drove me crazy and I ripped it out of the socket deep into the night soon after I'd plugged it in.
    So, no night lights. For the time being.

    I know exactly how I want the bathroom remodeled, now. After I get taxes together and get an idea of how much we owe, I think I'll start getting estimates, see how much remodeling we can do without a loan. I want to make our two bathrooms into one bath-room with two toilet closets; one toilet in the bath-room stall. The bath, actually shower room will be walk-in with a gently convex floor, drain in the middle. Rather large room with a divider so I can secrete myself from my mother's toilet. Although there will be a bench in her area and two sinks, one medium height, one low height, her toilet will also be there because, often through the first half of our bathing she has to eliminate without realizing it. Mom's bathing area will have a heat lamp in the ceiling so that it is always comfy for her. The rest of the area will contain my toilet closet which will open into my bedroom only and a separate vanity area for that toilet closet. The rest of the space will involve storage shelves and cabinets, some for linens. The bathroom will open out into the hall, as it already does, and into my bedroom.
    Other plans I have are to knock out the wall separating my and my mother's bedrooms, turn the closet currently between them into an archway with storage shelves along the sides, expand the windows in both rooms, replace a small closet for her on the opposite side of her room...I think she will accept this easier than us sleeping in the same room. When she's been healing from a severe injury or debilitating illness she has appreciated my company in her room. Her preference is to sleep alone. I respect that. And I'm not looking forward to hearing the machines in her room even more clearly. My best sleep is done in silent pitch black. I can already hear them, though. I'm in the habit of adjusting to their drone every night. So, I'm not too worried.
    The only other major remodeling that should probably be done, perhaps putting off the window expansions in the bedroom/s, is the raising of our living room floor. Maybe. I'm not sure how to handle this. She's better on steps than on ramps. And, raising the floor will involve, hmmm, well, I'm not sure where we'd put the baseboard heaters.
    I think room a/c's, maybe one in each of our bedrooms, and an upgrading of the one we currently have in the living room will be fine. We have enough natural venting throughout both the winter and summer so that the air isn't ever stale. I definitely think we should blow some insulation around the house. And the roof could use a check, possibly partial replacement. The plumbing problem in the back turned out not to be our plumbing problem but the problem of some people above and to the northwest of us. We were getting their runoff. Weird. Anyway, that's good.
    MCS liked Mom's numbers and took the news of exactly where Mom is, now, very well. She tends to agree with me that Mom probably has at least 5 years. I think we are both sure that she'll see 90. It'll surprise the shit out of all of us, including Mom, but we'll all be thrilled. Including Mom. She also likes the sound of this FNP. I've been very lucky with this clinic (as has Mom) in that even when people leave as did our physician, last November, they are replaced with extraordinary people who all agree that patients and medical advocates such as myself should be granted the dignity of autonomy of decision. When I learned that our other doctor had defected, even though I liked my working relationship with him (and it took some work), I had no qualms about seeing whomever we were assigned. This is the clinic, remember, who houses the owner/physician who leveled with my mother about her diabetes and gave her a choice about treatment, being very clear about the consequences of treatment vs non-treatment.
    So I've successfully added yoghurt to her diet. She loves it. She'll probably most often have it for lunch. She remembered that she used to put wheat germ in it and wants me to get some of that. Great! I'm eating it because I know its good for me but the stuff with artificial sweetener is, whew, very, very sweet! My mother likes it, though, and it should be good for her. Another way to receive calcium and protein, too.
    I'm feeling very mellow. Bills are pretty much paid. I'm missing one but sometimes the City of Prescott runs late so I'll check tomorrow. Taxes should be so easy to get together this year that I expect to have our package ready to go on Monday.
    I'm doing cleaning, forgodssake! I don't know. I'm feeling good, again. Really good.
    Later.

...[I was out by 0930], noticing how bright the sun, how warm the house, I thought, "Hmmm...maybe a good afternoon for yardwork." Well, it's 1530, I just retrieved the garbage cans, downtown it's allegedly 46°, my guess, up here, is maybe 36° in the direct sun on a light, flat surface. The wind chill factor is probably pretty close to freezing. That's a little cold even for me. Without the wind chill I'd probably be fine.
    Did I mention that one of her cousin's husbands died? He didn't quite make it to 90. He was buried last month. Nobody liked the cousin but everyone liked the cousin's husband. "That's like [name of cousin] to survive [name of cousin's husband]. Well, we'll miss 'im."
    We haven't talked to them or about them with others in ages. I have no idea what took him out. Their daughter died a couple of years ago when she was in her late 50's or early 60's. Heart attack on the couch one night. The cousin is blood related to my mother through the lines that live forever, although in my mother's generation, which she shares with this cousin, some of the good died young, including my mother's sister and brother; snatched by the drink and such.
    I'm thinking Mom has a better than good shot at 90. I can't imagine life much slooooower than this, but it will become so, I'm sure. At least I'm finally relaxed about it. I noticed that, due to understanding what's happening now and how far [not] to push on activity, I'm getting excited about the possibility of 'taking her out', considering how well she did with the trip. Maybe starting with restaurants, or a Mall 'Morning' [depending, of course, on when her morning starts], walkering and wheeling around some of the outside stores, culminating in lunch at the Food Court (she loves food courts). I was pleased to realize that these sounded interesting to me, again. Maybe my renewed energy will feed hers, or maybe we naturally synch ourselves quietly in the background.
    I found some more low fat yoghurt with artificial sweetener, on sale, bought some, mentioned them to Mom (didn't mention the artificial sweetener), her response was, "I like yoghurt." So, that's good. That'll now be a part of her regular lunch. Maybe we'll cut out the popcorn every other day. I think she's fine with fiber, right now. Glory Be!
    The Detrol LA continues to appear to have no effect day or night. This is not to say that she is leaking all the time, but she is not staying dry any more than previously. Her nightly watershed remains about the same.
    I'm not sure when I'll get back here. Maybe tonight. We need to do her hair tonight, and I've got some movies...and, I've already got dinner planned and she's jazzed for it.
    Maybe I'll take a short nap! What an idea!
    Later.

...to the essay I published earlier today: A Turn in the Road.
    I've been worried about continuing cloudiness in my mother's urine. I've twice imagined that she's continuing bleeding, yesterday and today, but I was wrong. I think I'm a little overwhelmed about this particularly intransigent UTI. I wonder if we should have a urinalysis done, the results to be sent to Mesa, just before the end of the treatment. If the cloudiness doesn't clear soon I may double up the antibiotic dosage. It has been administered this way to her before and has worked well. I'm sure, from what the FNP said, that I didn't screw her up with the Augmentin. But, you know, as she also said, sometimes you have to use an antibiotic to sweep up after an antibiotic.
    I've been considering adding yoghurt to her diet; this was a suggestion from a dialysis tech. Mom used to eat it a lot some years ago. There is one on the market made with Splenda® which she doesn't seem to mind in her cranberry juice. I bought a couple of cartons of the blueberry (the only other choice was strawberry which she's never liked) but so far she's refused them.
    I've been on sort of a major at-home holiday over the last few days. I've been wearing nothing but flannels, absolutely no underwear or anything binding. I've not been hungry for dinner for two days. Today I did some spontaneous cleaning and rearranging, which was unusually uplifting. I also experienced a very odd sugar fit earlier this evening. This never happens to me, but suddenly I was haunting the house for sugar, candy, anything. I polished off about 6 oz of a bitter-sweet spiced chocolate bar then found some hard candies I keep 'just in case' for Mom (which we've never used) and sampled a piece of each, then about four pieces of English toffee all of which I devoured within a half hour; and have been completely satisfied since, thank you.
    I continue to test myself nervously for diabetes every once in awhile. It was common on my father's side of the family and I am my father's daughter. So far my readings are within normal range even when slightly out of range would be considered normal. Never low. And, I usually test myself because I am suddenly experiencing sweating or light-headedness. After a normal blood sugar reading, I up my dosage of Black Cohosh. I'm back up to 80 mg/day. I've tried Evening Primrose but it tends to make me hyper, and feel as though I'm going to have my period.
    So, I don't know, I guess, early this evening I just needed sugar. Refined sugar. Bizarre!
    Good day, considering. I guess I have to suit up and meet the public, tomorrow. And go through mail and pay bills.
    Tonight, though, I feel good. In one way or another I think I'll just sit back and enjoy...
    ...later...

...there is a new essay up over at Essaying the Situation. It's my considered attempt to ice the cake of the unusual change in attitude that has taken place within me since our visit to Mom's PCP in Mesa a week ago Friday last. Not my best work. I'm not sure I was ready to write it. It may undergo some changes, or what I'm feeling may convolute into a spontaneous essay that gets moved from one section to another.
    Anyway, thought I'd mention it. It's also the newest essay listed over their in the links section to your right.

...Caring. About Food post, I think I will probably be transfering some of the meditation on food over there. I will try to remember to direct you over there if I think something might be of interest to you. If I don't think to alert you, it looks as though I'll be posting there fairly frequently in lieu of talking about food here or at Mom's Daily Tests and Meds. In fact, from that site I will be more frequently linking to recipes in the food section rather than repeat ingredients ad nauseam.
    Yes, she's in bed. Didn't make it to 2200 tonight. Yes, I'm headed there soon.
    I had either an imagined or real fright earlier this evening when, upon awaking from her nap, it seemed to me as though her underwear was slightly pink. None of her urinations were so I guess I was imagining it. The taking of the antibiotic seems to be going well, no problems scheduling it too close to the iron, since it can be taken on an empty stomach.
    Maybe I'll make it an early night tonight.
    Later.

    My mother remains a bit back from the sharp edge of conscious. I expect her to arise soon but her droopy lids over only occasional glimpses of iris tells me she may "sleep in" today.
    I was a lazy git last night and left several evening chores until morning. Everything is now laid out, though, including the bacon, I've taken my pills, O.J., first cup of coffee and am considering a second, since it looks as though I'll have a chance to sit back and enjoy it and, amazingly, I autonomically heated the water a few minutes ago.
    Slept restlessly, though, last night. The Little Girl remained on the bed but at the bottom, well out of the way of a stray foot or a turning torso. Strange dreams, none of which can I remember, but I'm sure "Lois Nettleson" [SIC] burbled out of one of my more fervent processing dreams.
    Today will be the last day of the first week of her Detrol LA trial. I can't tell that there's been any difference. She's had periods of day dryness, but this is not unusual on her own. She continues to shed at night, same amount. Her hydration factor has a lot to do with the effectiveness of the medication. Since she is currently fighting off a UTI, I am more inclined to push her fluids to the upper limits of 2200 cc/day, the amount she was on at the hospital and the skilled nursing facility when she was being pulled away from over hydration. Much depends on her overall health, whether she's fighting off an infection and unusually tired. Both apply, at this stage of the game. Last night I noticed that her urine is still cloudy, although no longer bloody, which is good. I'm glad we have a four week trial of the Detrol LA.
    Maybe today...
    Later.

...posted another recipe over at Caring. About Food. Raspberry Maple Sauce. I'm pretty much blathering over there. I haven't yet hit my stride like I did with the food columns, but the recipes are good.
    Maybe today I'll set up a teeny-tiny index of recipes over there. And, do Mom's hair. Definitely. We could use a trip to Costco but it can wait for a day. Don't even ask me about dinner. Oh. I should put the bacon out.
    Later.

    This review of Lois Nettleton's acting isn't for her appearance in two episodes of Kung Fu in which she appeared.
    The one I remembered her from was probably Barbary House, as I remember Leslie Nielson, as well, although it could have been Flight to Orion, which, I think, features Dalonia's (her character's) death by snakebite. The quote entitling this post is one of the first options that Google sprung when I typed in what my sleep had delivered to me as the actresses name: "Lois Nettleson", which Google corrected for me two ways [the other being Louise Nevelson] and searched. It is a quote from the editorial review in over at Amazon for Volume 15 of The Twilight Zone Stories. As I recall, Lois Nettleton did, indeed sweat attractively and was worth a swoon when dying.
    Lois Nettleton was and, it appears, continues to be one of the masters of TV acting craft, possessing a peculiarity of presence that is fully adaptable to the intimate presentation of television. I can think of another actor who shares Lois Nettleton's TV character acting gift and presence: Anthony Zerbe, who is also, I note, most likely alive and working as I type. One of the very visible invisible.
    Although it is a Monday, my spirit and Mom's reaction to her first "Opening of the Eyes", are needing a close huddle, today. The last day of the month. Then, I have to get serious about taxes. I'm ready. Almost. One more day and I'll be ready.
    Isn't today some kind of holiday or something?!? It should be.
    Later.

...that it sounds, through windows open and shut, as though we're having a spring shower. I think this put Mom in mind of an early nap after watching a few episodes of the second season of Kung Fu. In case you're wondering whose idea it was to purchase that series, it was mine. Mom is enjoying it, too. The second season appeared at Costco really cheap so, I thought, okay, more bedtime stories for Mom.
    The funny thing is, it is reminding me so much of the series Gunsmoke, on of Mom's favorites, which had some dynamite TV literature stuff, that, if that series ever shows up I'll probably go for it.
    I don't know if Mom watched Kung Fu much prior to this, although I know she watched it some because when I moved back to Mesa from Seattle in 1994 I was hooked on it. I'm sorry that we haven't got the first season but I'll be keeping my eye out for it. We just watched an episode with Jack Elam, a classic master playing in a classic episode. I'm looking forward to episodes I barely recall with Anthony Zerbe and that blonde, you know the one, did lots of TV character acting in the 70's and 80's, very unique look to her, she played Caine's brother's wife, I think they were married, anyway, who had Danny Caine's only son. Her character finally died of a snake bite in a two parter, as I recall. The actor who played Danny Caine's son also played the young James Woods character in Once Upon a Time In America, another one of my all time favorite movies. I wonder what ever happened to him. He had a very striking look. For those of you for whom this will mean something, think Danny Vanderpool. Blood orange skin, auburn hair, rich brown eyes. Somewhat more intense presence than Danny Vanderpool, though.
    Watching those episodes now is provocative. For some reason, I remember Kung Fu as being violent, and it's not, from today's standards. In four episodes only 3 people have died, one accidentally, one death has been alluded to [for series fans, it's The Death of the Prince at Caine's hands]. The fight scenes are few and far between and almost no one gets killed. It is a treat to the spirit to watch Caine kicking away all manner of weaponry; being offered a machete before a fight and doing more than refusing it, disdaining it.
    Anyway, both my mother and I, for different reasons, mine having to do with memory, hers not, are enjoying these episodes.

    Administering to my mother has taught me that health is not a definition of a static state. Rather, it is the attempt to define the state of one's balance with one's environment, including but not exclusive of one's body and including the psyche of the health challenged and the primary healthcare provider, which, in most cases, is the primary caregiver. Promoting health is the attempt to find the most comfortable balance. This balance, I believe, promotes maximum healing.
    This has not been an easy lesson to learn. It bears on my new interpretation of my mother's latest statistics. It also adds an historical perspective. My mother, for instance, has been "running high" on the BUN/Creatinine scale for at least 5 years, possibly longer; yet her doctors continue to say that her kidney functions are "fine". They are, considering that her kidneys, although they have not been abused, are now Ancient, functioning within Ancient systems and subsystems.
    She no longer smokes, which has probably prolonged her life. Certainly it's made her, thus me, more comfortable. I think it's her lack of smoking that is part of the reason she hasn't contracted the flu this year despite not having yet had a flu shot. As well, of course, she hasn't been out much, thus constricting her health environment. For that matter, neither have I, so I haven't been bringing many bugs in. Being at the lab is touchy; there's an environment rife with opportunistic flora and fauna. We're never there long, though, although her skin is broken at least once while we're there.
    I think if one has a "condition" or two, then the yardstick upon which to measure "health" changes. The FNP mentioned that, considering Mom's profile, there is no reason to launch an aggressive attack against her diabetes although this doesn't also mean I can be lax. If she were 55 aggression would be called for. At 87, having only been diagnosed since 1999, considering that her blood sugar management is excellent, she is not a candidate for Advanced Chronic Diabetic Disorders; everything is just old. Her kidney's probably aren't even being mortally affected by her diabetes. A diet high in anti-oxidants (since she takes so much iron) is an excellent precautionary measure as long as my mother continues to eat a healthy diet. Her kidneys will probably give out long before her heart, especially now that her excellent but Ancient cardio-pulmonary system is no longer unusually challenged by smoking. The important aspects of her care will be to monitor her anemia against her iron intake and make sure her bowel movements are regular; I am to take heed when these become a difficult goals to achieve. I'm not anticipating many transfusions as long as iron supplementation remains auspicious.
    I'm disappointed about the UTI's. I was hoping to not have to keep my mother on fairly frequent courses of antibiotics. But, you know, she's 87. It's not going to affect her 40 years down the line. We've discovered the drug and dosage of minimum tolerance and maximum benefit, which is good.
    At this point I'm thinking at least another 5 years, all of them comfortable. But, of course, at any particular time I've always thought at least five more years, except when she's been severely anemic. Then I was thinking maybe another year if luck is behind our sail.
    Hmmmm...I believe she's up.
    Later.