Tuesday, February 8, 2005
Whew! Well, that was exhilarating!
I just finished our up-to-the-minute catalogue of dvds over at Movies, Mom and Me. No one's more surprised than I. I learned a lot from doing it and became so intrigued I couldn't stop until I reached the end.
So, anyway, how's Trix?
We had a bit of a tense encounter this evening. I still do not understand where it came from, how it developed, why it happened. Most of the day we spent in our own reveries: Me doing this and chores and getting tax papers together; she reading her new gossip magazines as though she was expecting a pop quiz. Mom did not sleep overly much, stayed up until after 2300 tonight. Although there was no tension between us, very little conversation took place.
Around 2200 she headed into the bathroom. I was folding laundry. I stopped what I was doing and followed her in. Sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't, but, tonight, she did: She decided to preserve her dignity by making more than light of my solicitiousness, making fun of it. More often than not I do not feel attacked or invaded by her strategies to preserve her dignity in a delicate situation. Tonight, though, I was overtaken by the urge to 'set her straight'. Let me think, for a minute, try to remember some of the stuff I said, with an edge, mind you, although not a very sharp edge. I wasn't angry, I was just spouting for only the gods know what reason. Anyway. I remember saying something about how what I do is neither funny nor oversolicitious, it is what keeps her alive and comfortable and safe. If it were silly I would not have been doing it for the last 11 years. I have learned, over these years (I repeated the number of years several times) to do only what is necessary. The older one becomes, the more that becomes necessary. Blah, blah, blah.
My mother bore it well, leaning out of my way, physically, almost against the shower door, looking at me as if to wonder, "I thought she stopped having periods...". She did, bless her heart and shrivel mine, apologize for making light of my contribution to her life and our life together. I'm glad she did this, even though it made me feel like a shit. It also alerted me that she'd heard what I'd said, considered it, and decided that some of it, not the hysterical stuff but some of it, had merit.
She has always been a hard woman to ruffle.
So, I made some notes throughout the day, hold on...
I'll probably get to them sometime tomorrow.
You know, I'm aware that my level of involvement in what I'm doing with my mother, through and because of this collection of journals, approaches the masturbatory, at times. However, I am, you know, driven to do this, and do this I will. In surprising, often extraneous, detail.
Later.
So, anyway, how's Trix?
We had a bit of a tense encounter this evening. I still do not understand where it came from, how it developed, why it happened. Most of the day we spent in our own reveries: Me doing this and chores and getting tax papers together; she reading her new gossip magazines as though she was expecting a pop quiz. Mom did not sleep overly much, stayed up until after 2300 tonight. Although there was no tension between us, very little conversation took place.
Around 2200 she headed into the bathroom. I was folding laundry. I stopped what I was doing and followed her in. Sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't, but, tonight, she did: She decided to preserve her dignity by making more than light of my solicitiousness, making fun of it. More often than not I do not feel attacked or invaded by her strategies to preserve her dignity in a delicate situation. Tonight, though, I was overtaken by the urge to 'set her straight'. Let me think, for a minute, try to remember some of the stuff I said, with an edge, mind you, although not a very sharp edge. I wasn't angry, I was just spouting for only the gods know what reason. Anyway. I remember saying something about how what I do is neither funny nor oversolicitious, it is what keeps her alive and comfortable and safe. If it were silly I would not have been doing it for the last 11 years. I have learned, over these years (I repeated the number of years several times) to do only what is necessary. The older one becomes, the more that becomes necessary. Blah, blah, blah.
My mother bore it well, leaning out of my way, physically, almost against the shower door, looking at me as if to wonder, "I thought she stopped having periods...". She did, bless her heart and shrivel mine, apologize for making light of my contribution to her life and our life together. I'm glad she did this, even though it made me feel like a shit. It also alerted me that she'd heard what I'd said, considered it, and decided that some of it, not the hysterical stuff but some of it, had merit.
She has always been a hard woman to ruffle.
So, I made some notes throughout the day, hold on...
I'll probably get to them sometime tomorrow.
You know, I'm aware that my level of involvement in what I'm doing with my mother, through and because of this collection of journals, approaches the masturbatory, at times. However, I am, you know, driven to do this, and do this I will. In surprising, often extraneous, detail.
Later.
