Tuesday, June 14, 2005
I updated...
...=>Moving =>Mom today, including a full report on our walkering, yesterday, in case you're interested. Today will be an exercise session day, with an additional exercise which is explained in the report on our walkering. She is not reporting any back aches today. I'm hoping I've figured out a way to head those off at the pass in the future.
I had a short fit of annoyance yesterday evening as we were heading Mom for bed. I've probably mentioned having these before but, in the interest of the catalogue nature of this journal, I want to cover it. As usual, when Mom decided it was time for her to retire, sometime close to midnight (which is extraordinary...lately she's been going to bed between 2100 and 2230), I gathered myself from the floor and responded to her as usual: "Okay, I'll head back and turn on lights, everything's (meaning her PJ's being in the bathroom and towels and washcloths out) ready, I'll meet you in the bathroom. Be sure and pull your pants and underwear down all the way so you don't sit and pee on them."
Her typical response followed, "You don't need to do anything, I can just go to bed."
Upon which I responded, also as usual, "Yes, I do. I need to wash and salve your thigh creases, change your underwear, make sure you brush your teeth, turn on your bedroom (meaning turning on the oxygen concentrator, the humidifier and her bed lamp) and tuck you in."
She usually takes all this in stride with only a slight look of disdain. Last night, though, her face turned comical and she proceeded to make fun of all the "unnecessary" preparations I go through to get her to bed.
I guess I must have been feeling touchy last night because I didn't take this in good humor. Once she settled in the bathroom I exploded into a lecture: "Look, Mom, nothing I do for you is 'unnecessary'. It isn't funny or comical, either. I'm tired of being the butt of 'Taking Care of the Ancient One' jokes. I don't have the time to do unnecessary stuff for you. Everything I do for you at night is very necessary. Everything. I know that our continued humor and jokes about all this stuff, changing your underwear, washing your thigh creases, making sure you've got the oxygen cannula on, helps preserve your dignity, but sometimes my dignity suffers as a result of preserving yours. Not tonight. Let me explain this to you in no uncertain terms. If I didn't prepare the bathroom for you, a lot of what is very important wouldn't get done. If I didn't go ahead of you to turn on lights you wouldn't turn them on and you might stumble and fall. If I didn't wash your thigh creases and apply the anti-itch cream you'd scratch yourself silly at night and we'd have a skin problem to deal with. If I didn't make sure you changed out your underwear you'd have further skin problems all over your body, and, in the morning, you'd be floating in your own urine. If I didn't turn on the humidifier, you wouldn't and your nose would be bleeding in the morning. If I didn't make sure you brushed your teeth, you wouldn't. If I didn't make sure you put on your oxygen cannula, you wouldn't and you'd be exhausted in the morning. I know why it's a good idea to keep up the humor surrounding all these operations that could very well cause you to lose your sense of dignity about yourself but, I repeat, I need some respect, too! I am not silly, I am not stupid, I am not unnecessary to your life! At this point, if I wasn't here doing all these things you consider stupid and silly, you wouldn't be here either, and, I guarantee, no one in a nursing home would be doing many of these 'stupid, silly things' that keep you in good health and top condition. They'd just shrug their shoulders, chalk dry, broken skin, dirty underwear, dehydration and bad hygiene up to lack of money, lack of time and advanced old age and you'd probably be in your grave, gotten their through some opportunistic infection that I go to a lot of trouble, on a daily basis, to prevent. We've already experienced that in one of the 'better' nursing homes. I'm trying to see to it that we don't ever experience this again! What I do isn't silly, or funny, or unnecessary. Am I making myself clear?"
I did, apparently. My mother is never cowed and she wasn't last night but she sobered up quite a bit and thanked me for what I do. That's what I needed.
Was I wrong in 'taking it out on' my mother? I don't think so. Although she definitely has a fey streak identified as dementia and probably won't remember my lecture, neither will she forget, for awhile, anyway, that I took a stand when I realized it was necessary and asserted my need for respect and my personal pride in what I do for her. Lots of caregivers take care of people who are no longer at a stage where they can understand their caregiver's need for respect and personal pride. At that stage, though, the care recipient is also no longer able to make fun of their caregiver in order to assert their own need for a strong hold on their personal dignity.
It's a delicate balance, asserting oneself as a caregiver worthy of respect while allowing the care recipient to assert herself, as well, as a person of dignity. Maintaining a balance that works for both sometimes involves letting the scales swing, a little. It's not a one sided operation. My mother is still capable of forthright stands on her own behalf. She was probably making a lopsided attempt, through humor, last night, to do this and, usually, I'm strong enough in my balance to allow it to tip her way. Sometimes, though, I'm not, the balance tips a bit too far and I need to apply a push to the swing. It happens. I think, if it's managed well, everyone gets a much needed chance to blow off some steam and no one suffers.
Something I've been meaning to mention. I think of it every time Mom and I drive someplace and handicapped parking spaces are unavailable. Yesterday we were lucky. Despite the fact that all the handicapped spaces were filled at Costco we happened upon a space that was just as close and since it was bordered by a basket retrieving area it allowed us enough space to get my mother out and situated with her walker without any fuss. In the meantime, both going and coming, we watched a couple of perfectly able-bodied people swagger from the store to their cars in handicapped spaces, alone, without equipment or disability. I know there are a few of us who don't abuse this right. I don't even park in a handicapped space if my mother is in the car but intends to remain in the car while I visit a particular destination. At New Frontiers, where we managed to get the last space available, the handicapped space next to us was taken by an overwhelming, appropriately placarded SUV out of which poured 5 more than able-bodied teenagers. Right behind us was a van, also with a handicapped placard, which housed a driver carting an obviously disabled person. These people didn't get a handicapped spot. As we were exiting our car I noticed the driver, who had squeezed into a 'normal' space, struggling to get his disabled person out of the car and onto the sidewalk.
ATTENTION PEOPLE: Here in the state of Arizona (as I imagine is true in most states that distribute handicapped parking permission placards), regardless of the fact that a handicapped parking placard and/or license plate allows access to what are usually considered to be the best parking spaces, IT IS ILLEGAL TO USE THESE SPACES IF YOU, AS THE DRIVER, ARE NOT HANDICAPPED AND YOUR HANDICAPPED PERSON IS NOT WITH YOU! Not only is it illegal, it is selfish, thoughtless and mean. Don't tell me that sometimes it's hard to tell exactly why someone would need to use a handicapped parking space. Believe me, I went through the process of procuring one and I can tell you, the people for whom these placards are intended are easily identifiable. If you have one of these tokens, the granting institutions clearly state they are not for the convenience of the able-bodied. IF YOU DON'T NEED IT, DON'T USE IT! IF YOU DO USE IT WHEN YOU DON'T NEED IT YOU ARE SPITTING AT THE FOOT OF THOSE WHO DO NEED IT, AND, IF THOSE WHO NEED IT ARE LUCKY, YOU'LL BE CITED FOR MISUSE OF THESE TOKENS!
There, I've said my piece. Or, is it 'peace'?!?, no, not in this instance, definitely not 'peace'! I certainly do not wish peace to those who abuse this privilege!
Later.
I had a short fit of annoyance yesterday evening as we were heading Mom for bed. I've probably mentioned having these before but, in the interest of the catalogue nature of this journal, I want to cover it. As usual, when Mom decided it was time for her to retire, sometime close to midnight (which is extraordinary...lately she's been going to bed between 2100 and 2230), I gathered myself from the floor and responded to her as usual: "Okay, I'll head back and turn on lights, everything's (meaning her PJ's being in the bathroom and towels and washcloths out) ready, I'll meet you in the bathroom. Be sure and pull your pants and underwear down all the way so you don't sit and pee on them."
Her typical response followed, "You don't need to do anything, I can just go to bed."
Upon which I responded, also as usual, "Yes, I do. I need to wash and salve your thigh creases, change your underwear, make sure you brush your teeth, turn on your bedroom (meaning turning on the oxygen concentrator, the humidifier and her bed lamp) and tuck you in."
She usually takes all this in stride with only a slight look of disdain. Last night, though, her face turned comical and she proceeded to make fun of all the "unnecessary" preparations I go through to get her to bed.
I guess I must have been feeling touchy last night because I didn't take this in good humor. Once she settled in the bathroom I exploded into a lecture: "Look, Mom, nothing I do for you is 'unnecessary'. It isn't funny or comical, either. I'm tired of being the butt of 'Taking Care of the Ancient One' jokes. I don't have the time to do unnecessary stuff for you. Everything I do for you at night is very necessary. Everything. I know that our continued humor and jokes about all this stuff, changing your underwear, washing your thigh creases, making sure you've got the oxygen cannula on, helps preserve your dignity, but sometimes my dignity suffers as a result of preserving yours. Not tonight. Let me explain this to you in no uncertain terms. If I didn't prepare the bathroom for you, a lot of what is very important wouldn't get done. If I didn't go ahead of you to turn on lights you wouldn't turn them on and you might stumble and fall. If I didn't wash your thigh creases and apply the anti-itch cream you'd scratch yourself silly at night and we'd have a skin problem to deal with. If I didn't make sure you changed out your underwear you'd have further skin problems all over your body, and, in the morning, you'd be floating in your own urine. If I didn't turn on the humidifier, you wouldn't and your nose would be bleeding in the morning. If I didn't make sure you brushed your teeth, you wouldn't. If I didn't make sure you put on your oxygen cannula, you wouldn't and you'd be exhausted in the morning. I know why it's a good idea to keep up the humor surrounding all these operations that could very well cause you to lose your sense of dignity about yourself but, I repeat, I need some respect, too! I am not silly, I am not stupid, I am not unnecessary to your life! At this point, if I wasn't here doing all these things you consider stupid and silly, you wouldn't be here either, and, I guarantee, no one in a nursing home would be doing many of these 'stupid, silly things' that keep you in good health and top condition. They'd just shrug their shoulders, chalk dry, broken skin, dirty underwear, dehydration and bad hygiene up to lack of money, lack of time and advanced old age and you'd probably be in your grave, gotten their through some opportunistic infection that I go to a lot of trouble, on a daily basis, to prevent. We've already experienced that in one of the 'better' nursing homes. I'm trying to see to it that we don't ever experience this again! What I do isn't silly, or funny, or unnecessary. Am I making myself clear?"
I did, apparently. My mother is never cowed and she wasn't last night but she sobered up quite a bit and thanked me for what I do. That's what I needed.
Was I wrong in 'taking it out on' my mother? I don't think so. Although she definitely has a fey streak identified as dementia and probably won't remember my lecture, neither will she forget, for awhile, anyway, that I took a stand when I realized it was necessary and asserted my need for respect and my personal pride in what I do for her. Lots of caregivers take care of people who are no longer at a stage where they can understand their caregiver's need for respect and personal pride. At that stage, though, the care recipient is also no longer able to make fun of their caregiver in order to assert their own need for a strong hold on their personal dignity.
It's a delicate balance, asserting oneself as a caregiver worthy of respect while allowing the care recipient to assert herself, as well, as a person of dignity. Maintaining a balance that works for both sometimes involves letting the scales swing, a little. It's not a one sided operation. My mother is still capable of forthright stands on her own behalf. She was probably making a lopsided attempt, through humor, last night, to do this and, usually, I'm strong enough in my balance to allow it to tip her way. Sometimes, though, I'm not, the balance tips a bit too far and I need to apply a push to the swing. It happens. I think, if it's managed well, everyone gets a much needed chance to blow off some steam and no one suffers.
Something I've been meaning to mention. I think of it every time Mom and I drive someplace and handicapped parking spaces are unavailable. Yesterday we were lucky. Despite the fact that all the handicapped spaces were filled at Costco we happened upon a space that was just as close and since it was bordered by a basket retrieving area it allowed us enough space to get my mother out and situated with her walker without any fuss. In the meantime, both going and coming, we watched a couple of perfectly able-bodied people swagger from the store to their cars in handicapped spaces, alone, without equipment or disability. I know there are a few of us who don't abuse this right. I don't even park in a handicapped space if my mother is in the car but intends to remain in the car while I visit a particular destination. At New Frontiers, where we managed to get the last space available, the handicapped space next to us was taken by an overwhelming, appropriately placarded SUV out of which poured 5 more than able-bodied teenagers. Right behind us was a van, also with a handicapped placard, which housed a driver carting an obviously disabled person. These people didn't get a handicapped spot. As we were exiting our car I noticed the driver, who had squeezed into a 'normal' space, struggling to get his disabled person out of the car and onto the sidewalk.
ATTENTION PEOPLE: Here in the state of Arizona (as I imagine is true in most states that distribute handicapped parking permission placards), regardless of the fact that a handicapped parking placard and/or license plate allows access to what are usually considered to be the best parking spaces, IT IS ILLEGAL TO USE THESE SPACES IF YOU, AS THE DRIVER, ARE NOT HANDICAPPED AND YOUR HANDICAPPED PERSON IS NOT WITH YOU! Not only is it illegal, it is selfish, thoughtless and mean. Don't tell me that sometimes it's hard to tell exactly why someone would need to use a handicapped parking space. Believe me, I went through the process of procuring one and I can tell you, the people for whom these placards are intended are easily identifiable. If you have one of these tokens, the granting institutions clearly state they are not for the convenience of the able-bodied. IF YOU DON'T NEED IT, DON'T USE IT! IF YOU DO USE IT WHEN YOU DON'T NEED IT YOU ARE SPITTING AT THE FOOT OF THOSE WHO DO NEED IT, AND, IF THOSE WHO NEED IT ARE LUCKY, YOU'LL BE CITED FOR MISUSE OF THESE TOKENS!
There, I've said my piece. Or, is it 'peace'?!?, no, not in this instance, definitely not 'peace'! I certainly do not wish peace to those who abuse this privilege!
Later.
