Sunday, September 25, 2005
I'm finally at the point in my review of everything I've written in these journals...
...where I can say that I believe I failed Mom beginning sometime in October of last year. I know I was exhausted from our Summer of Health Problems, selling the house in Mesa and tending to a seriously ill cat who eventually died. I know that I desperately needed time to recuperate and felt as though I hadn't the energy to consider any other choice than to do it here at home by letting my monitoring and motivating of her slide. I know my recuperation not only took a long time but transformed itself into the habit of allowing Mom to have her way about not moving and not getting out, a habit in which I continued to indulge long past its necessity to my recuperation. Reading through all the stuff I wrote during and immediately after Mom's SNF stay (I'm up to the first few posts of August 23rd) and remembering what I allowed myself to do from October 5th, 2004, on in regards to letting Mom have her way because it was easier and less frustrating for me, well, I'm pretty sure I've failed her and allowed a steeper, faster decline than was necessary and possible.
I know that The Wondrous FNP gave me reason, upon which I jumped as though it was a life raft in January of this year, to feel as though it was okay to let all the development that immediately followed Mom's SNF stay to revert. I know that up through today I've continued to use those excuses. The Wondrous FNP, of course, did not intend what I did with the information and advice she gave to me. She's not at fault. I am.
Tonight I'm remembering back to my internal relaxation regarding letting Mom have her way, no longer fighting her and no longer fighting my desire to take the easier road with her, no matter to what it led. As I remember I'm thinking, damn, I didn't mean for this to happen. She is now homebound for all practical purposes (although Medicare would not consider her homebound). She rises and moves around but she's not confident on her feet so she spends most her time off them. On the occasion that I manage to get her to exercise and get out I haven't worked myself into the stamina needed to keep the exercises and the outings regular enough to encourage whatever strength of which she is capable.
I can't help but feel that she isn't yet ready for the completely sedentary lifestyle she's leading. I know she disagrees with me on this. Lately, even before I began to consciously consider my failure with her, I've been initiating almost daily discussions with her, asking her in a voice edged with desperation if she is really satisfied with her life of little movement and even less physical confidence when she does move.
She always says, "Yes."
I ask her if she is really satisfied that she isn't getting out anymore. I remind her of the infrequent trips, maybe about every two weeks, when I'm able to get her out, I remind her that she seems to find these trips edifying.
She says, she always says, "I go because you make me and I make the best of it."
"But," I ask, "don't you prefer making a trip here and there with me?"
She always hesitates, then says, "I'd prefer to stay at home."
And the sleep. All the sleep. She's fine with this, too, even though I'm conflicted when I let her stay in bed or go back to bed, which she's been doing a lot lately, as you know.
"Is it boredom, Mom? Think hard about this, because if it is, we can do something about that."
She always takes a moment to think hard. "No." She always says, "No."
I know she believes what she's saying. I watch her play Sorry for maybe 20 minutes then I watch her phase out. I watch her at the store or the lab surveying the novelty of her surroundings for maybe 10 minutes then I watch her phase out; I hear her saying, "It's about time we went home, don't you think?" I recall how all the visits we've had in the last year (which have been fewer than before but still some member of our formal or informal family has visited at least once every two months for at least a day, usually a couple) have barely piqued her interest and curiosity and have made no difference in her desire to sleep.
I consider her lab results and think, "This shouldn't be happening. Her vitality should be higher. I wonder if..."
...I wonder if, I can't stop myself from thinking that if I'd been more stalwart, adamant, kept her moving, not stopped to take a vacation for myself to the point that I could no longer tolerate her intransigence in order to get her to move and go out, she'd be moving more, going out more and her vitality would be higher.
I remember realizing sometime this summer that it appeared as though last summer was her last "warming up" summer and she wasn't going to be doing that anymore. I think that's my fault.
She's okay, she's happy, she's satisfied, she even says so. I wonder, though, if, like a child who needs to be coaxed beyond her borders, I should have been coaxing Mom beyond her borders all this time but I gave in to my weakness, I gave up on her too soon.
Then I remember, she's not a child, she's An Ancient One in the last years of her life. Her Chronic Renal Failure and Anemia Due to Chronic Disease are not going to reverse themselves. They are the harbingers of her last breath. Is her life playing out in the only way it can? Or am I encouraging a much faster, earlier end by allowing her to remain here, fairly immobile, rather than insisting that she move around and out?
I'm going to try to do better without harassing her and yielding to my own sense of frustration. I hope I haven't contributed irreparably to her decline. If I have, of course I'll have to learn to live with this but I hope I haven't. I hope it's not too late. Or if, in fact, regardless of what I've done or primarily haven't done in the past year, the trajectory she's on would have been no different and my backing off has been the best and kindest caregiving I could have offered, well, I hope I come to realize this soon. One way or another my self-bedevilment needs to be resolved. I will be working on this resolution for the time being, trying to accomplish it with eyes wide open, focused both inward and outward, without fearful self-excusing and false self-justification.
This time last year I was speaking out strongly about not giving up on Ancient Ones just because they're Ancient. I feel as though I might have given up on my mother because it was convenient for me. If I've been doing this I want to face this squarely and amend my ways. If I haven't I want to face this squarely and continue to love her, remain with her and allow her to continue her life as she desires without wondering if I should be doing something different and without unnecessarily confusing and frustrating her.
Help me. Thank you.
I know that The Wondrous FNP gave me reason, upon which I jumped as though it was a life raft in January of this year, to feel as though it was okay to let all the development that immediately followed Mom's SNF stay to revert. I know that up through today I've continued to use those excuses. The Wondrous FNP, of course, did not intend what I did with the information and advice she gave to me. She's not at fault. I am.
Tonight I'm remembering back to my internal relaxation regarding letting Mom have her way, no longer fighting her and no longer fighting my desire to take the easier road with her, no matter to what it led. As I remember I'm thinking, damn, I didn't mean for this to happen. She is now homebound for all practical purposes (although Medicare would not consider her homebound). She rises and moves around but she's not confident on her feet so she spends most her time off them. On the occasion that I manage to get her to exercise and get out I haven't worked myself into the stamina needed to keep the exercises and the outings regular enough to encourage whatever strength of which she is capable.
I can't help but feel that she isn't yet ready for the completely sedentary lifestyle she's leading. I know she disagrees with me on this. Lately, even before I began to consciously consider my failure with her, I've been initiating almost daily discussions with her, asking her in a voice edged with desperation if she is really satisfied with her life of little movement and even less physical confidence when she does move.
She always says, "Yes."
I ask her if she is really satisfied that she isn't getting out anymore. I remind her of the infrequent trips, maybe about every two weeks, when I'm able to get her out, I remind her that she seems to find these trips edifying.
She says, she always says, "I go because you make me and I make the best of it."
"But," I ask, "don't you prefer making a trip here and there with me?"
She always hesitates, then says, "I'd prefer to stay at home."
And the sleep. All the sleep. She's fine with this, too, even though I'm conflicted when I let her stay in bed or go back to bed, which she's been doing a lot lately, as you know.
"Is it boredom, Mom? Think hard about this, because if it is, we can do something about that."
She always takes a moment to think hard. "No." She always says, "No."
I know she believes what she's saying. I watch her play Sorry for maybe 20 minutes then I watch her phase out. I watch her at the store or the lab surveying the novelty of her surroundings for maybe 10 minutes then I watch her phase out; I hear her saying, "It's about time we went home, don't you think?" I recall how all the visits we've had in the last year (which have been fewer than before but still some member of our formal or informal family has visited at least once every two months for at least a day, usually a couple) have barely piqued her interest and curiosity and have made no difference in her desire to sleep.
I consider her lab results and think, "This shouldn't be happening. Her vitality should be higher. I wonder if..."
...I wonder if, I can't stop myself from thinking that if I'd been more stalwart, adamant, kept her moving, not stopped to take a vacation for myself to the point that I could no longer tolerate her intransigence in order to get her to move and go out, she'd be moving more, going out more and her vitality would be higher.
I remember realizing sometime this summer that it appeared as though last summer was her last "warming up" summer and she wasn't going to be doing that anymore. I think that's my fault.
She's okay, she's happy, she's satisfied, she even says so. I wonder, though, if, like a child who needs to be coaxed beyond her borders, I should have been coaxing Mom beyond her borders all this time but I gave in to my weakness, I gave up on her too soon.
Then I remember, she's not a child, she's An Ancient One in the last years of her life. Her Chronic Renal Failure and Anemia Due to Chronic Disease are not going to reverse themselves. They are the harbingers of her last breath. Is her life playing out in the only way it can? Or am I encouraging a much faster, earlier end by allowing her to remain here, fairly immobile, rather than insisting that she move around and out?
I'm going to try to do better without harassing her and yielding to my own sense of frustration. I hope I haven't contributed irreparably to her decline. If I have, of course I'll have to learn to live with this but I hope I haven't. I hope it's not too late. Or if, in fact, regardless of what I've done or primarily haven't done in the past year, the trajectory she's on would have been no different and my backing off has been the best and kindest caregiving I could have offered, well, I hope I come to realize this soon. One way or another my self-bedevilment needs to be resolved. I will be working on this resolution for the time being, trying to accomplish it with eyes wide open, focused both inward and outward, without fearful self-excusing and false self-justification.
This time last year I was speaking out strongly about not giving up on Ancient Ones just because they're Ancient. I feel as though I might have given up on my mother because it was convenient for me. If I've been doing this I want to face this squarely and amend my ways. If I haven't I want to face this squarely and continue to love her, remain with her and allow her to continue her life as she desires without wondering if I should be doing something different and without unnecessarily confusing and frustrating her.
Help me. Thank you.
