Wednesday, September 7, 2005
You know you're in trouble when...
...you begin anthropomorphizing your mother's turds. Yesterday evening she had her second bowel movement of the day, clearly a "head 'em up, move 'em out" movement. When I checked the toilet for results I spontaneously mentioned, "That's the little guy I was looking for! Hi, little guy! Good to see you. Time to go, now," and I flushed the toilet.
Immediately afterward my mother and I exchanged surprised looks. I knew what she was thinking. "Yeah, I guess I'm personalizing your bowel products a little too much, huh."
"Well," she responded, "I was wondering how you knew that one was a 'he'."
I laughed. "Considering the nature of the product, I think they're all 'he's'."
She laughed. "You're probably right!"
So, I'm close to finishing with the initial preparation for setting up a database to allow the dynamic Table of Contents I intend to create for this web compendium. It's been startling to go back and read all the stuff I've written over the past several years in order to prepare it for incorporation.
Yesterday I read through the section in the 2001 history where one of my sisters and I were trying to rally all my sisters on behalf of taking care of my mother, delegating duties, especially, I kept reminding everyone, the business duties which were overwhelming me at the time, as well as seeing to it that I received breaks. Fairly poignant material considering that for all the discussion and initial organizing nothing came of it.
The truth is I'm now pleased that the effort didn't succeed and that I became my mother's sole business/medical advocate and caregiver. I think the simplification of her business life wouldn't have taken place if these duties had been scattered around the way we planned. I now notice that I had already become unusually expert at knowing the extent of the detail involved in her business life and being able to manipulate it, even as I fought having to do it. If everything had been scattered about as we'd planned any efforts to consolidate and simplify everything would probably have sunk like a stone. The calculated, necessary risks I took which ultimately saved our conjoined ass would not have been taken. It's possible that we'd still be struggling with that damned mobile home in Mesa, being directed by someone else to fix it up and try to get a good price for it.
I still have periods of yearning for breaks, of course. I've figured out, though, how to take adequate breaks while remaining here. Whether this is "good" for my mother has become a moot point. She still would be beyond long distance travel now. I think, overall, the caregiving situation as it developed and as it is works best. She thrives, I think, being able to remain in familiar surroundings with familiar routines, being the focus of attention.
I'm not doing nearly as badly as I thought I would. I didn't lose my mind. I didn't lose my heart. Keeping her here, I've been able to micro-manage her medical intervention so that it is kept to a minimum. I know, in detail, what I'm talking about and advocating and medical professionals now step back and bow when we enter an examining room. This is all to the good and probably wouldn't have happened as easily (perhaps wouldn't have happened at all), nor with as much chutzpah if the variety implied by shuffling her around the country in order to relieve me had been added to her medical life.
Rereading all that stuff also secured my opinion that caregivers operate best when they operate from their own dictates. Despite the buzz in "The Literature" that certain "directives" should be followed for best results, chiefly The Support Group Directive but this applies to others as well, tailoring caregiving to one's native character and style actually works better. My native character implies that I will seek and find support in ways other than through a formal support group. It implies that handling my difficulties within the caregiving setting works better for me than walking away from the setting and relieving myself of the difficulties for short periods of time. It implies that it is better for me to stop pleading and waiting for intervention and figure out how to do "it" myself. As I read I observed my baptism by fire and am pleased that my attitude is now firm on this: If you (universal) want to help, you have to fit into our lives. You can't expect us to fit into your lives just so helping is convenient for you. A parent does not expect a babysitter to dictate conditions under which alternate care for a child will take place. The parent expects the babysitter to follow the dictates and routines which the parent has instituted and with which the child is familiar. Why should caregiving be any different? In fact, it seems to me that there is even more reason for the caregiving situation to remain as much the same as possible through time for Ancient Ones as, while children become more flexible with time, more able to incorporate different situations and routines, my experience tells me the opposite is true of the aging process for Ancient Ones.
As Robin Williams gleefully posed during his Inside the Actor's Studio interview: "We're doing it! We're prepared! We're going upstream to spawn!"
As a caregiver, I'm on my way upstream. If you (universal) want to join me you're going to have to turn around and match my speed.
Immediately afterward my mother and I exchanged surprised looks. I knew what she was thinking. "Yeah, I guess I'm personalizing your bowel products a little too much, huh."
"Well," she responded, "I was wondering how you knew that one was a 'he'."
I laughed. "Considering the nature of the product, I think they're all 'he's'."
She laughed. "You're probably right!"
So, I'm close to finishing with the initial preparation for setting up a database to allow the dynamic Table of Contents I intend to create for this web compendium. It's been startling to go back and read all the stuff I've written over the past several years in order to prepare it for incorporation.
Yesterday I read through the section in the 2001 history where one of my sisters and I were trying to rally all my sisters on behalf of taking care of my mother, delegating duties, especially, I kept reminding everyone, the business duties which were overwhelming me at the time, as well as seeing to it that I received breaks. Fairly poignant material considering that for all the discussion and initial organizing nothing came of it.
The truth is I'm now pleased that the effort didn't succeed and that I became my mother's sole business/medical advocate and caregiver. I think the simplification of her business life wouldn't have taken place if these duties had been scattered around the way we planned. I now notice that I had already become unusually expert at knowing the extent of the detail involved in her business life and being able to manipulate it, even as I fought having to do it. If everything had been scattered about as we'd planned any efforts to consolidate and simplify everything would probably have sunk like a stone. The calculated, necessary risks I took which ultimately saved our conjoined ass would not have been taken. It's possible that we'd still be struggling with that damned mobile home in Mesa, being directed by someone else to fix it up and try to get a good price for it.
I still have periods of yearning for breaks, of course. I've figured out, though, how to take adequate breaks while remaining here. Whether this is "good" for my mother has become a moot point. She still would be beyond long distance travel now. I think, overall, the caregiving situation as it developed and as it is works best. She thrives, I think, being able to remain in familiar surroundings with familiar routines, being the focus of attention.
I'm not doing nearly as badly as I thought I would. I didn't lose my mind. I didn't lose my heart. Keeping her here, I've been able to micro-manage her medical intervention so that it is kept to a minimum. I know, in detail, what I'm talking about and advocating and medical professionals now step back and bow when we enter an examining room. This is all to the good and probably wouldn't have happened as easily (perhaps wouldn't have happened at all), nor with as much chutzpah if the variety implied by shuffling her around the country in order to relieve me had been added to her medical life.
Rereading all that stuff also secured my opinion that caregivers operate best when they operate from their own dictates. Despite the buzz in "The Literature" that certain "directives" should be followed for best results, chiefly The Support Group Directive but this applies to others as well, tailoring caregiving to one's native character and style actually works better. My native character implies that I will seek and find support in ways other than through a formal support group. It implies that handling my difficulties within the caregiving setting works better for me than walking away from the setting and relieving myself of the difficulties for short periods of time. It implies that it is better for me to stop pleading and waiting for intervention and figure out how to do "it" myself. As I read I observed my baptism by fire and am pleased that my attitude is now firm on this: If you (universal) want to help, you have to fit into our lives. You can't expect us to fit into your lives just so helping is convenient for you. A parent does not expect a babysitter to dictate conditions under which alternate care for a child will take place. The parent expects the babysitter to follow the dictates and routines which the parent has instituted and with which the child is familiar. Why should caregiving be any different? In fact, it seems to me that there is even more reason for the caregiving situation to remain as much the same as possible through time for Ancient Ones as, while children become more flexible with time, more able to incorporate different situations and routines, my experience tells me the opposite is true of the aging process for Ancient Ones.
As Robin Williams gleefully posed during his Inside the Actor's Studio interview: "We're doing it! We're prepared! We're going upstream to spawn!"
As a caregiver, I'm on my way upstream. If you (universal) want to join me you're going to have to turn around and match my speed.
